...and Shimmy!

I've worked in ladymags for nearly a dozen years now.

I've read all of the issues of the magazines I've worked for cover to cover, because that is what I am paid to do.

I've read about every new cellulite treatment, nineteen different ways to apply liquid eyeliner, cream blush versus powder blush versus gel blush versus bronzer.

I have read beauty stories that reached so far into the annals of beauty tips—for gentlewomen, I come to tell you that truly, there are only so many ways to wash your face, straighten your hair, and apply mascara—that at one point, I copy edited a real piece of writing in a real ladies' magazine that really suggested that in order to get "a glowy effect," grown women should apply lotion to their backs, take a piece of Saran Wrap, sprinkle it with glitter, wrap it around one's body, and shimmy.

These magazines are also obsessed with sex. Sex with men.

So why is it that in twelve years I've never read a quick fix for beard burn?